Wednesday, September 21, 2011

wow, big "super-" sort of thoughts are catalyzed...

For the last many months, since about April, I have found myself on something of a "thought progression", it is an unusual progression and it now seems to have a more determinate direction, so I will recount it, hopefully briefly, because it was significant to me.

For lack of a better term, I had an experience that consisted of "racing thoughts about things that could be called intellectual religious concepts", if you are not a person of faith, and a "spiritual experience" if you are a person of faith.

There are components of each of these things in this experience, so I refer to both: neither is somehow 'inferior' to the other in my reckoning, but having had an extremely skeptical way of thinking in my early life, I recognize that many people don't believe in spiritual things. On the other hand, people who readily believe in spiritual things are often very quickly duped by people who know how to push those thematic buttons without including the "telelogical aspect" (yeh big word) and making it clear. At any rate...

In my case these things were intertwined, so that some "rational sense" could be made, but also some notion of it awakening a "heightened sense" of understanding.

I attribute this awakening pretty much wholly to a) the point of life I am in, as a father and adult, and general aspects of myself, particularly my intuition, which have gratefully formed over the years; b) the passing of my mother, which I experienced in the first hand, and a general growing sense of mortality; c) my interest and study in an open-minded way of the Bible and other religious texts, and d) my willingness to accept religious teaching as truth, that is, as being just as true as facts that I can sense or which can be proven logically.

All of the above are at least equal in their contribution to this "awakening" (and I know I use air quotes a lot but the intent is to show that I am not attempting to be grandiose and also that the word doesn't quite fit) which actually involved what might be referred to as a delusion along with an underlying unfolding narrative about my life as it was leading up to my future.

More specifically, I was having some realizations at a level that I cannot access about what was going to happen to me, and these realizations coupled with some kind of directive that permitted me to glimpse some very esoteric and complex super-cosmic "processes" which are not only complex but extremely pervasively powerful and multidimensionally concurrent. The result was a set of internal "switches" that closed that in turn potentiated one another and resulted in this awakening, spirtual experience, gestalt grokking of the universe, or higher understanding.

It is not "enlightment", if anything it is a "re-directed heaviment" which compels me to areas of inquiry which are intellectual in nature of execution but spiritual in nature of result. In fact, one thing I need to avoid in this pursuit is the jumping to "ah ha" type intellectual conclusions based on evidence as I reveal it, that end up sounding like complicated conspiracy-like theories.

To summarize the awakening, it would be along the lines of "life is like a game, but not like a game, and part of the 'game' is to correctly divine the rules and the object at the same time you are playing the game".

So it is like a game in that it has rules or guidelines and an object, but it is not like a game in that it is serious: it potentially has serious physical consequences. However, it is like a game in that serious physical consequences are not as serious in regards to the achieving object of the game as you might think, which in an intellectual sense is much more frightening because it means that "material failure" can be of negligible detriment to the game while at the same time you are required to participate in the game, and so that success in the game may well require that you experience material failure.

But to be very clear, to call life a game is to trivialize it, and also the summary is to trivialize my awakening as to the nature of life. But a summary gives the casual reader an idea so it is ok.

Oddly enough, the catalyst for this was what I can really only describe as an insane confluence of things: 0) a reaction to some medicine coupled with a physical illness, 1) the NFL lockout, and the uncertainty and media excitement generated thereby; 2) Charlie Sheen's whole "I'm winning" episode, with attendant media repetition of bits and pieces of his ranting; 3) something I either misheard or misunderstood regarding the nature of a certain church-related event; 4) Easter and bible study, and, finally, 5) what I believe to an inner knowledge of something about my health that was noted subconsciously but did not register consciously.

What I mostly think is that my mind generated what I think could be referred to as a "delusion" in order to shield me and also steel me in a way that would reinforce me to withstand some future events. But, on the other hand, this delusion was perfectly operable: with some weirdness that was only noted by my family, I could function in my job and overall in the corporeal world. So it was like I was immersed in the practice of a very strange religion that required I participate in a couple of odd rituals and behaviors here and there but on the whole did not render me entirely, visibly whacko.

The delusion could be referred to as "The super-duper secret doorprize Church Pancake Supper revelation of Me aka Utenzil" and it was really very interesting: in parts amusing, saddening, painful, joyful, normal, abnormal, unusual, annoying, entertaining, terrifying and astounding.

But, importantly, parts of this delusion included some real truth about things. About BIG things. About a realm that I have come to understand as "absonite".

The long and short is that a) I was cured of the illness for which I was taking the medicine I had a reaction to b) I found out I have a more physically serious, but less physically affecting illness that it seems like I will need to get treated (but still need more info) and c) I'm much more OK with just about everything, much more ready for just about anything, and generally much more in awe with everything in life, everyone in life, and Everything Else.


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